I have had this entry in draft mode for weeks now. I have wanted to write it, but was never really sure what to say or how to articulate my MANY, MANY thoughts about my father. A few months ago, the back apartment in our house became empty. I wrote about that in a previous entry, so, yeah. Anyhow…both my mom and my husband thought that it would be a good idea to have my dad and his wife move in back there. I was not vehemently opposed to the idea, but I was not fully supportive of it, either. I know my dad pretty well and the only thing I can say in regards to his behavior is that he is an addict. And, that in itself is not inherently bad. I am an addict. But, I take responsibility for my actions, I am accountable and I try my best to live my life everyday in a positive manner. There is a clear difference between my kind of addict, and his kind of addict. My father is a runner. Meaning, he cannot accept responsibility for the choices that he has made in life. He is unable to hold himself accountable for the decisions he has made. This has resulted in him running from everything. Running from his own choices, running from the responsibility of those choices, running from consequences, etc. And, when you are a runner…it Is hard to stop abusing drugs in a destructive manner. Because the very nature of addiction is that of running. Running from reality.
My father is a runner. And, despite my knowing this and having come to terms with it many years ago…it still causes me stress and anxiety on many levels and I didn’t want to be around that all of the time. I didn’t want my husband getting caught up in my dads bullshit because my husband has no framework for this type of behavior and therefore doesn’t understand it at all. I definitely did not want my family around this kind of thing. I didn’t want my husband around it and I definitely don’t want my children around it and I don’t want to be around it.
But, I have always had a soft spot for my father. I can clearly see that his own choices have landed him where he is. There is no one to blame for his situation other than himself and I still feel pity for him. Then I feel more pity because I pity him. I know that he is totally aware that he is a fuck up and that is how he views himself, and that is hurtful for me. I know that if he tried and put forth effort…he could change. But, he is too prideful and has too much ego to admit to anyone but himself that he is making the wrong choices and that also makes me pity him because he is alone in this. He will not be truthful to anyone, and that is a form of self isolation.
He has always been a blamer and a tit for tatter. So, it is totally pointless to bring up his behavior or to confront him about it in any way because you become the bad guy. There is never any progress made. So those of us around him are stuck. Attempting to communicate with him does nothing. In fact, it damages the relationship even more because he is in such denial this causes him to point fingers at us. We are the fucked up ones. We are the bad guys. It is really pure chaos.
Not too long ago, when I attempted to bring up some choices he had made recently that really bothered me, his response was “Well ill be gone next month. Im leaving.” Its like….uhh…ok. I mean if that’s the choice you want to make and if you can be comfortable with that decision when your head hits the pillow at night, then that’s totally fine, leave. However, that’s totally not what were discussing here, lol.
I mean its just pointless. Trying to communicate with him is an absolutely hopeless endeavor so those of us around him who would like to TRY to communicate with him are just stuck. We are stuck in this perpetual state of watching him self destruct and we have no power to even try and talk with him about it because then we suddenly become the bad people and are told “fuck you and fuck off.”
So, the easiest thing to do…is avoid him. Ignore him. And that is painful as well. It is just a cycle of self perpetuating negativity, pain, addiction, hopelessness and denial and there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it. If you try, he will drag you down with him because misery loves company.
His wife, my step mother, struggles with mental health issues and I don’t even want to get into all of that here, but her being with him is terrible for her and its not good for him, either, because she is an absolute enabler. But, she also has addiction issues and she is certainly an alcoholic based on what I have seen. I think she drinks to deal with him and his behavior…..
Its just bad all around.
For the past three days my dad has been on a bender because he got fired from his job for what was very likely his own behavior or his own negativity….I just….dont really know what to do and I feel like there are no options.
This entry is not me looking for advice, either. No one who may read this is in my situation so I do not think anyone could possibly come up with some advice that may help the situation any. I have known this man for 32 years and there is not anything anyone could suggest that I have not already tried, lol. This is just me venting.
Just venting.
